Well howdily doodily neighborinos, yeah, we know - we know, it's been rather quiet round these parts recently, but we're not ugly people, in fact the Strictly Biz famalam were recently voted "Best Looking Hip Hop Crew" at the recent Swaffham Fayre, & although we had to cut our rosette up into pieces (so we could share it, but also as a protest against the state of some of those cabbages, smack 'em Rae), we will always wear those tiny fragments with equal pride & fury.
Hmmmm, yuh bwoy Flair appears to have gone off track a wee bit, maybe I shouldn't be typing this shit when it's late & i've got my proper drowzzz on, but a lot of the hippety hop blogheads have been very sshhh sshhh so far this year, so the Strictly Biz squad just wanted to point out that we are very much (ahem) Still In Business !
Hear me now star !
As we already know, sunshine plays a major part in the daytime, & around this time of year the SB unit usually like to drop a summertime special on your collective melons, 2013's Strictly Hot, & 2012's Strictly Summer Series.
What does that say to you about Strictly B Summer compilations ?
There's too many of them ?
That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them.
Well, that's & well & good in theory, but that would involve trying to remember another bunch of summer related joints, & although I could word an explanation in many ways, I would rather just make the noise "Chooooft" & give you something else, something which is not summer related, but will still blow the bloodclaaat bollocks outta your barbeque.
Lawd 'a' mercy !
Do you wanna ride Space Mountain ?
I won't bore you with the formula, but the following tracks are all linked in some way or another & certain tunes are included to represent members of the Strictly Business crew, in all honesty I just wanted to sling out a quickie that would involve me leaving my chair as little as possible.
At the moment the whole crew have a pie on every finger, so rest assured that we have a whole heap of jewels to drop very soon, & the next piece that we're about to drop on this here site is morbidly obese, but that is the then & this is the now, so let's do this thing.
Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it has the longest line, abso-bloody-exactly, so with that in mind I think that I should point out that to be the Nan, you've gotta beat the Nan.
Now that's clear, let's get down to Business.
Blogger's being a bit of a pisser at the minute, so let's have some nice pics first.
Yeah, I know, well what the fuck do you want, Bruno Brookes ? If nothing else, this here selection could be seen as a representation of Mr Flair's daily listening habits, maybe I should do one every day ! Pffffttt.
Or as I previously said, an obscure representation of the Strictly sound squad.
Or probably more than anything a representation of Ricardo La Rock's complete shitness at actually doing stuff he should be doing.
Ner-ner-ner-nerner, I don't care, there's a thin line between batty & punanny & I suffer from vertigo (fact) but I don't have a photo of a hunchback in my pocket (another fact), Lu Cipher is now a cyborg from the neck up, Chestwigz is the new Cracker J, DJ Friendly (allegedly) resembles a rounder headed version of Shockwave The Robot in an attempt to protect himself from Babylon, Sonny D does the washing up in pink Marigolds & cycling shorts, MonoXcyde is now OxyGareth, Breakz & Vagabond snapped each others arms off in a game of thumb war - but they're not bandits, Jim Breaze is still a prisoner of war, EveR now owns the most powerful computer on the planet, but he is still struggling to find the on button (there are only actually 7 of these machines in existence, the other 6 are owned by Tony Curtis), Rhymeswine is currently...........
Um, sorry, old Flair-O has gone a bit off track, again.
Probably best to actually really properly get down to Business.
This compilation is nice.
There I said it.
There is all kinds of interesting stuff here, the UK is well represented, there's a Commodore 64 banger, a mad Frenchman, some Tommy Boy 12" greatness, Tom Jones just being straight fucking ill, drummy drum drums, The Erasure-Cosmo connection, Tracy Barlow blam blamming, things that people think are other things but they aren't, things that people think are other things but they are, Kool Keith actually rhyming rhymes, more drums, & some other things that I can't be bothered to think of.
Oh yah, & shout to my man Apache Throwdown on this little cashew nut, there is a handful of (gasp) recent (gasp again) hip hop tracks that are (gaaaaaaaaaasp) not shit, in fact they are bloody dope. Well, recentish, but then I still think the '90s was only a couple of years ago.
I don't really wanna get the old rant steez a gwan again, but if you are one of these people who claim to be an old school hip head but thinks that hip hop died in the early 90s then piss the piss off. You slept on Black Moon because you were listening to Blur because hip hop wasn't fashionable any more, fucking dicknobs.
I said I wasn't gonna rant, bugger, never mind, if you have read this far then you may well have as many issues as me.....
Of Big Daddy magazine !
See what I did there, I smoothly slipped in another Partridge reference, whilst cleverly altering the punchline to suit the "style" of this beautifully written piece.
Oh hang on, I meant to say ->
See what I did there, I lazily bit another line whilst repeatedly making a twanny of myself.
Here's a thought......
Oh how painful is must be to create your own Wikipedia page only to have it deleted because you are full of shit & nobody has ever heard of you except for yourself. Ouch.
Sorry, didn't mean to think out loud.
I must wholeheartedly apologise to all members & associates of Strictly Business for my self indulgent unprofessionalism, hang on - don't professionals get paid ?!?
OK, my self indulgent amateurism then, well, I should be sunning myself on Ganryujima Island right now, but instead i'm tapping my bloodied fingers away just to bring a little bit of happiness to the die hard hardcore core readers of this humble interblog.
Bah, not again.
You say nobody's reading ???
Who said that then ?
Shit, start typing again quickly Flair-Ski, before the voices take over.
Ah, that's much better.
It's not the voices, I just left the telly on downstairs.
Back to Business (again). A bit mo' about those tracks -
Yes - Kane was was able to rock Atomic Dog beats in '93 when you all said he had fallen off & still sound dope.
No - 4-Ever Fresh is not Public Enemy, & Johnny Juice does not currently live with Rod Hull's Emu & all his offspring. Go Philly.
Yes - That Dirty Dike joint is nice, but Stig, "bring a gram of weed in" ?!? Yeah right, that's a Cell Block H single skin you lightweight.
No - Egyptian Lover did not always rock 120+ bpm beats.
Yes - Can I Get A Soul Clapp should have 2 Ps, it should also say "Fresh Out The Pack", let's just put it down to being tired & emotional, at least I know how to spell the word Romantic.
No - It's not Acieeeeed, but Ice's bassline is a 303 on some fly Terminator shit. I have no idea who King Fantastic is, but his shit sounds like a ZX Spectrum loading.
Yes - Rickity Flair is aware that I Weigh With Kilos is actually called Ten Is The Number - Kilos. Glaring error there, er, tired & emotional.
No - J-Live is not for hipster backpack moccasin sissies, dude is one of the nicest of all time, buy everything he has made now.
Yes - Maggie Thrett was fly & she definitely should have recorded more music.
No - That Arkanoid joint is not by some now school nitwit with lots of hi tech computer shit purchased by his/her parents, it was made purely with the Commodore 64's SID chip by the incredibly talented & patient Martin Galway in 1987. You call me a nerd, I call you a cranberry, rack off you flamin' drongo.
Yes - Chicken Yellow is the fucking tits. And it's produced by Blowfly.
No - Poet should never have squashed any beef, he should have got beefier & beefier, most rappers need to be dissed.
Yes - PJ & Smiley have been responsible for some right old bum, but those Private Party joints are the kestrel's knees dunny, even Don't Distress This Groove. Honestly. Sort of. DJ Hype sounds like DJ Naffa, but Summer Madness is well tasty, pity I didn't remember it a couple of years ago. Cheekie Bee - Where are they now #945298.
No - I don't know where Shogun MC is, or what the frig the deal was with Blue Chip Records.
Yes - Dilla/Black Sheep/MF/Tribe/Stet/Ghostface/De La/Other people did sample that !
No - Don't sample that mp3 you twazzock, go & buy some old records, then sample them. On a sampler.
Yes - Black Cow probably is one of the greatest tracks ever, don't even think about asking for my take on it's lyrics, & Gas Drawls is diggety dope.
No - I don't think Metal Thangz should have been the B side. Brooklyn Beast was 6 years ago - Where you at FT ?
Yes - The artwork on that Sweet Linda Divine LP is one of the best things that your eyes will ever see.
No - I do not know why The Mystic Moods Orchestra didn't always have the drums so high in the mix, or what on Earth was going on with that English Muffins LP.
Yes - I do own that limited edition Spotnicks bumbag with the version of Mardi Gras with Babybels on.
No - Although I did watch Playschool, I don't know which window Tom Jones is looking out of, however I do know that Delilah was originally titled Jemimah.
Yes - Poetic was an absolutely phenomenal MC, & even though Droppin' Signal had a few dubious beats it should absolutely have been released, the quality of the rhymes are ridiculously dope. I probably should have included a track from the LP, but I didn't for reasons I would rather not disclose at the moment...... Alright, I forgot. So it's probably best that you all hunt it down now, Tommy ain't my motherfuckin' boy. RIP Poetic.
No - Trouble are not a doom metal band (well, they are, but not this Trouble). Trouble are actual proof that Westwood has been responsible for some good things. And this joint is hyper than Pinocchio's nose.
Yes - Yazoo - Yes! Yes! Yes! Honestly, Situation is just so fucking ill that it's been in intensive care for 33 years. Even though Vince & Alison split decades back their milkshake company is thriving. My fave is Banana flavour, I just can't get enough.
No - ZZ Top are not included due to the current trend in beards. Shiiiiiittt, Mint Aero Flair-O's been rocking beards for donkey's, now you want to fuck me but last week I looked like the Yorkshire Ripper, cha' gyal. If you want to know why this particular ZZ Top track is included, just listen to it.
Yes - I am going to keep typing this shit until one of us drops.
No - I'm not.
Very well done for reading this far. I am aware that it may have been a troubling experience, but I am trying to experiment with a form that I am calling "Jazz Writing", & some jazz can make you feel uncomfortable. (Not as uncomfortable as Chappell AV Series - Danger/War though, if you ever see that fucker - burn it immediately).
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Business As Usual.
I believe I said earlier that I wanted to "sling out a quickie", nyaaaa. Oh ! Have I typed too much babblebollocks ?
Awwww, poor you.
No, seriously, poor you.
It was either type this or dismantle my Corby Trouser Press again.
This has all been a bit one sided & i'm beginning to feel sorry for you, so I think at this point it would only be fair to list the tracks.
Strictly Business presents -
Strictly Space Mountain
4-Ever Fresh - Urban Sound Surgeon
A Tribe Called Quest feat Kid Hood & Leaders Of The New School - Scenario Remix
Big Daddy Kane - The Beef Is On
Dirty Dike feat Stig Of The Dump, Dr Syntax, Bva, Datkid, Verb T, Jam Baxter, Edward Scissortongue, Mr Key, Fliptrix & Leaf Dog - Future Posse Cut One Thousand
Egyptian Lover - E-Rap (Holding It Down)
Eilert Pilarm - Jailhouse Rock
Grand Wizard Theodore & The Fantastic 5 - Can I Get A Soul Clapp
Habitat & DJ Severe feat Mnsr Frites, Archetype, El Tel The Dopeness & Chrome - Polyrhythmic
Ice-T - Squeeze The Trigger
Jimmy Van & Richard Hieronymus - I Weigh With Kilos
J-Live - Not Listening
John McLaughlin - Honky Tonk Haven
Kings Of Swing - Stop Jockin' James
Kool & The Gang - Chocolate Buttermilk
Lakim Shabazz - Posse Is Large (Ced Gee Remix)
Lee Moses - Time & Place
Maggie Thrett - Soupy
Martin Galway - Arkanoid
McCoy Tyner - Impressions
Miami - Chicken Yellow
Newcleus - Jam On It
Overlord X - Definition
Pete Rock & CL Smooth - Soul Brother #1
Pleasure Web - Music Man
Poet - All Hell Breakin' Loose
Poor Righteous Teachers feat KRS One - Conscious Style
Private Party - Tennents
Raekwon feat Nas & Ghost Face Killah - Verbal Intercourse
René Costy & His Orchestra - Scrabble
Roxanne Shanté - Roxanne's Profile
Serge Gainsbourg - En Melody
Shogun MC - Ready For Action
Showbiz & AG - Diggin In The Crates
Spye - Oops Sorry
Steely Dan - Black Cow
Stig Of The Dump - On A Rampage
Street Smartz feat OC & Pharoahe Monch - Metal Thangz
Sweet Linda Divine - I'll Say It Again
The Cenobites - Lex Lugor
The Mystic Moods - Cosmic Sea
The Spotnicks - Take Me To The Mardi Gras
Tom Jones - Looking Out My Window
Too Poetic - God Made Me Funky
Trouble - I Get Hype
Yazoo - Situation
ZZ Top - It's Only Love
Password - defandstupid
And i've got news for you, when you get on Space Mountain you'll be like this.
(Hit the deck & lie spreadeagle flat on your back).
Now you are fully armed with the info, go out & buy these tracks from your local independent music retailer.
I'm done, that's it, it's over man.
This blog will delete in 10 seconds.
Must be a bug in the software.
Seems like we're still here.
Well I suppose we better drop something gigantimassive on your noggins then.
Baron Von Flairington's terrible timing has transmogrified into perfect timing.
It's this blog's 5th birthday, so plenty celebratory shenanigans will be popping off.
Honestly, I know I say honestly a lot, but honestly, something spesh is pulling into the SB station.
So, on that bombshell, this is Lou Flairino signing off.
Stay tuned to Strictly Business.
Aw, bloody Nora, the version of John Coltrane's Impressions by McCoy Tyner is misspelled, you might wanna sort that out.
Thanks a lot Ron Carter on the bass, yes my man Ron Carter is on the bass.
I'm off like Christ Bearer's nob.
Word to Chestwigz.
"From The Womb To The Tomb, Presume The Unpredictable"